Mormons VS. Scientologists

As we know, celebrities have a propensity for bat-shit crazy behaviour. So to stave off this madness they must search for some meaning in life. What's the salve, the balm, the panacea? The two most interesting are Mormonism and Scientology. So which camp holds the most street cred? Well lets take a look...

Scientologists
Tom Cruise
Beck
Jenna Elfman
Jason Lee
John Travolta

Mormons
Low
Neil Labute
Napoleon Dynamite
Fay Wray
Aaron Eckhart

On the Mormon side you must be thinking "holy shit these people know how to compartmentalize". To me, Mormons generally are more depressed and doom-centric. A band like Low questions those big questions in life just like Neil Labute does. As far as Napoleon Dynamite, well that cat is funny and that's because he keeps a cache of canned goods and emergency supplies in his basement plus he's allowed to have several wives. Fay Wray, an inspiration to Peter Jackson, needs no introduction. When King Kong is about to mash her in his jaws she knows she's one of the chosen and she's guaranteed to go to Mormon Valhalla.

I spent most of my formative years surrounded by Mormons in Lethbridge and Edmonton. They all had tons of kids and most of them where these gorgeous Aryan creatures that wouldn't be out of place on Laguna Beach. If you wanted that hot pussy all you had to do was dive head first into the rich talent pool Joseph Smith cooked up. At what cost though? Yes, you would have to deny yourself every joy man has concocted: Caffeine, Coca Cola, booze, cigarettes, Premarital sex (you could be in close proximity to the pussy but you just couldn't utilize it to it's full potential) and masturbation (can't get to the pussy; can't relieve yourself either). All the Latter-Day Saint boys would have to prepare for their missionary work which usually consisted of them sinning as much as they could before such task took place. I remember these kids were usually the first to get laid, drunk, toke up and come out of the closet. Directly after these life changing spirtuality questioning experiences they would repent hard and denounce any one who could slip that low, cause they'd been there and now they're so much above it. They were all so cute in the way they were hypocritical. Latter-day amnesia would wash away their sins after a Saturday night of debauchery, leaving them only a faint glimmer of guilt in the Sunday morning church light.

On the Scientologists side, Ok, you’re thinking Beck and Jason Lee are pretty cool. If you think that, you must have been in a coma since the 90's cause their output as of recent is less than engaging. When we take an even closer look the Scientologists don't fair too well. First of all, legend has it, Kurt Vonnegut had a bet with L. Ron Hubbard that he couldn't start a religion. At the time it must have been the most outrageous thought ever; that a Science fiction writer could have loyal minions following his insane ramblings.

Now look at the followers and you'll understand.

It's one of the few cults that actually legitimizes these people's inappropriate behaviour. When you're jumping on a couch in "Cruise control" or telling Brooke Shields she shouldn't be going to psychotherapy you need a fucked up support system to back up these preposterous claims. Or, to quote Top Gun - Your mouth is writing cheques your ass can't cash. I've hated Jenna Elfman's perky disposition for years. I couldn't put my finger on her source of inspiration but now I know and fuck it makes me happy. I couldn't wish Scientology on a nicer person.

What's great about Mormon artists is that no subject is taboo. Aaron Ekhart has played every manner of amoral misogynist sleezeball imaginable; usually under the tutelage of Neil Labute. Low sing about Whores, Clinical Depression and all the great sins of the secular world. Scientologists are simply swelling the ranks of bad action films, chick-flicks and turgid sit-coms. They would rather perpetuate the idea of this escapist dreamworld that mainstream media champions than delve into the grittier alcoves of real life.

When I do become famous don't be surprised if I'm waving my Latter-Day Saints flag with great vigor.